We didn't win (not withouth him)
by Alley Michaelis
Summary: Pepper doesn't know who could be knocking so early in the morning, not when Rhodey and Happy have their own keys, but she answers the door anyway. She immediately wants to slam it back in the face of the man in front of her. Stephen Strange stands at her door, messy hair and dirty dark suit. or Stephen shows up at Pepper's house the morning after Tony's funeral. And they talk.


It's early in the morning after Tony's funeral when the doorbell rings. At this hour, Morgan would already be awake, laughing and having breakfast, but last night she had been unwilling to go to bed without daddy's bedtime story, and Pepper couldn't get herself to put her daughter to bed without crying all over again, so she waited for the little girl to fall asleep on her own- which was quite honestly way later than her usual bedtime-. Pepper, nevertheless, is wide awake, has been since Morgan went to bed. She doesn't know who could be knocking so early in the morning, not when Rhodey and Happy have their own keys, but she still answers the door.

She immediately wants to slam it back in the face of the man in front of her.

Stephen Strange stands at her door, his hair a complete disaster and still wearing the suit he wore to Tony's funeral.

"What the _hell_ do you want?" she asks, unable to stop the harshness in her voice.

Stephen flinches and looks down as if he's too ashamed to make eye contact.

"To apologize" he looks stern, tired. If she didn't know better, she'd say he looks burdened. As it is, Pepper doesn't give a flying crap.

"For what? Disturbing my daughter's sleep? Or killing my husband and leaving my little girl without a father? "she all but screeches. Stephen's face darkens.

"Yes. "he pauses "Both"

"Well then, you're not forgiven. Goodbye Doctor" she intends to slam the door in his face, but Stephen puts his foot in the way. Pepper pushes the door harder, Stephen grimaces with pain.

"Do allow me to explain Miss Potts, I beg you"

"You weren't invited to his funeral and yet you showed up; you are not welcome here. Get out of my house _now_" she's careful not to scream. Morgan hasn't come downstairs so she must still be sleep, she doesn't want to disturb her. Not now. Not when she has to wake up again and see her daddy hasn't come back, never will come back.

"I… I had to be there"

"Why? You're the one who put him there"

"_I had no choice_"

"This shouldn't be considered an option!" her tone is higher, and her eyes burn. She still doesn't want to wake Morgan up, but she also doesn't believe herself to be able to continue that conversation without yelling at the man. So, she does the sensible thing and motions for Strange to follow her to the yard, by the lake where she hosted her husband's funeral. Stephen seems troubled at that but doesn't say a word.

It's only fair, she thinks, that Stephen suffers for a few minutes of the fate she must now suffer her whole life. That lake had been one of the main reasons they built their house there while she was still pregnant with Morgan, near a lake where they could teach their child to swim, where they could have summer parties and weekend lunches, eat cheeseburgers and get fat because they ate too much ice cream while they dip their toes in the water. Tony confided her one afternoon, mockingly but still yearning, that when Morgan got older and brought a partner home, Tony would threaten said partner to drown them in the lake should they ever hurt his little girl. Pepper, on the other hand, always saw them growing old, their heads grey, sitting in rocking chairs and staring at the lake while they saw their grandchildren swim and play.

Tony was an indulgent parent and he would've spoiled Morgan rotten. He would've been even worse with his grandkids.

Tony would have been great.

He would have.

They stare at the lake for a few minutes. Both thinking on the same thing, the event that only happened a couple hours ago, almost a whole day. They wouldn't host any summer parties at the lake, now. Pepper wouldn't teach Morgan to swim in that lake, that was meant to be Tony's role, they decided over rock paper scissors when their daughter was only two years old, sitting in the couch drinking wine and _laughing_. They sat there, at night, staring at their sleeping kid with utmost love, and planned.

_They had plans. _

"I saw it," Stephen comments after a while. "the future. Fourteen million– "

"–Six hundred and five, I know. Tony told me"

They stay silent for a few more minutes.

"He told me you saw only one future where we won" Pepper doesn't want to encourage him, she really doesn't, but then again this might be her only chance to understand why her husband is dead.

"I did" Pepper frowns, and she knows her forehead now has those two wrinkles that, whenever they appeared, Tony would claim were adorable. "Please believe me this was the best choice"

"How is my husband being dead the best scenario out of fourteen million?" she wants to scream, she wants to yell, she wants to push him in the lake or better yet into a volcano. Stephen's face cringes. He's still staring at the lake, but his eyes seem somewhere else, remembering something. His eyes shine and the sadness reflected on them makes something inside Pepper let go of her fury, at least a little, at least for now.

"Most of the futures we lost. Horrendously. Sometimes, the whole universe disappeared instead of half. We got close to winning a few times, and it had always something to do with T- with Stark. Therefore, I figured if something grand was meant to happen, it would be tied up to him" he pauses, and his eyes regain the same sadness "I was right, as always. It didn't take too long for me to find a universe where we killed Thanos"

"You what?" Peppers feels like she's going to cry any minute now, her eyes heavy and her throat dry as a morning in the dessert.

"We killed Thanos a total of three times" this time, Pepper does punch him. Hard. Stephen's face flies backward, and his nose becomes a bloody mess. He appears to be in pain, his right trembling hand clenching his injured nose. He takes it away just a second to make some weird hand movements, Pepper observes a little fascinated and guilty, how the loss of pressure rushes the blood out.

Tony hadn't bled to death. Pepper doesn't think she could handle the sight of blood ever again if he had.

With a few sparks, Stephen's blood flow stops. He's still in pain if his facial expression is anything to go by, but at least he's not bleeding anymore, and he doesn't complain about the hit.

"It wasn't like that" he continues as if nothing ever happened. His voice sounds weird, gurgling and nasal. His nose is still a little bloody, red and swollen. "We killed him, but he did something- no matter what we did, we couldn't bring anyone back. That was hardly a win. It was on the… Thirty-six, I recall"

Pepper thinks about all the people they gained back. Thinks about her family, about Peter. Thinks that a world without Peter or the others is no world worth living. And she agrees.

"So that's one. What are the other two?"

"We are living one of course" his expression changes again, as if the sole reminder of being stuck in the present with no way back pains him. He takes a moment to organize his ideas. Pepper doesn't rush him, not when she needs time herself to dry the tears running down her cheeks "As I told you, I figured out early on the road Stark was the key to defeat Thanos, I tried to stay close to him every future I visited. We became friends"

Again, he makes a funny expression.

"Somehow we killed Thanos. We stopped him before he had a chance to snap. It was a perfect future in most aspects. Nobody turned to dust, nobody lost five years, Thanos died for real, never could come back" Stephen seems sad, a type of sadness that is nowhere near superficial. Pepper can't help but wonder what was it about that future that was so special.

She has a feeling about it, though. So she presses harder.

"What was it, then? Why didn't you choose that one?"

"I did" if Pepper didn't know better, she'd say his voice cracks for a second "It was, by all means, the best one. For the whole universe."

"Then why?"

"You didn't survive the battle"

For a minute, she's confused. Is she really that important? Does the universe- does _Tony _deserved what happened because of her? She's about to ask when it hits her. And it all makes sense.

She can see it. Why Stephen looks lost, hurt and sorrowful beyond reason, like he no longer has a pull or the will to live. He looks like he lost everything.

And he did.

Pepper knows that look, like someone ripped your other half away from you, she knows because she looks the same, feels the same. And _she_ _knows_. Tony would've _never _cheated on her, he wouldn't, but if she was dead-

She can see it, as clear as day. Stephen and Tony living together, being happy, Stephen would've been _so good_ for Tony, they were both smart and sassy, they sure got along perfectly. She can see them waking up together every morning, growing old together like she and Tony never could, going on dates and hanging out with the other Avengers.

She can see a good life. She can see Tony being happy, being _alive and happy_ even if it's not with her. Stephen clearly loved Tony with everything he had and knowing Tony he must've loved him just as much. And that's enough. That should've been enough.

She knows Tony loves her, loved her, but if he also loved Stephen- why couldn't he be alive loving him, with him, instead of dying while loving her?

"You two were more than friends, weren't you?" she asks softly, just to clarify. Stephen swallows hard, eyes closed and nods. "I still don't see the problem. Tony could still be alive, and happy. What is it about me that required all this sacrifice? All this loss?"

"It's not about you" Stephen barks, and he turns around to face her red-eyed and voice soar. He regrets it almost instantly and looks back to the ground "I apologize. Of course, Tony cared deeply about you, he never wanted you to die, but what he cared about was something else, or rather someone else. "

Stephen takes a second to breathe, and with oxygen reaching his brain the agony in his gaze intensifies. "We were- About four years after the battle we were living together. He told me about a conversation you both had about having a baby and naming him after your uncle" Pepper can see where this is going, her heart jumping madly inside her chest. "I told him about this future I saw where he had a daughter. His face lighted up"

His voice cracks. Again, Stephen seems lost in the past, a mix of the memory of happiness and the cruel, harsh present full of loss and tragedy.

"He never met her but the love he showed for her– He begged me to save his little girl, the love of his life even though they'd never met. And I tried, I _really tried_. "his voice falters, and he can't reach his words for a moment "That one was the six hundred and five. The other fourteen million were a whim, me trying to find a future where Tony could live with Morgan, preferably with me as well" He has the decency to look ashamed at that, but Pepper doesn't hold him up for it.

"Of all possibilities, each one of them, Morgan existed only in two, but the other one- She died with you, you were both crushed by a building when she was a few months old. "Her heart crumbles, and she wants to die at the mere thought of losing her little girl. She doesn't realize she's crying until she can't see more than a blur of light because of the tears accumulating in her eyes "Tony couldn't take it, so I moved on to the next one"

"Please believe me, I tried to save him, I did. But the time stone is not meant to let its bearer know so much, each future I saw fragmented and broke my soul, If I saw one more future, I would've disappeared. I can't do that, I am the sorcerer supreme, my duty is to protect reality, not just the man I love." Stephen's eyes glow with unshed tears. He started off sharp, but then he broke down with each said word and looked to be on the verge of tears.

"I had to come back. I begged Tony to let it go, I told him we could have our own child if he so wanted, but he… He just wanted his daughter to live, even at the cost of his own life. I begged, and he… he smiled and asked me to save her no matter what."

They are both crying now. Pepper's sure she's in shock because if she weren't, she would be sobbing hideously. As it is, she wraps her arms around her torso and hugs herself to keep herself steady, to keep standing and not fall to the ground, curl and cry as she very much would like to. Pepper hears noise inside the house and a quiet _mommy?_ That brings more tears to her eyes. Apparently, Stephen hears it too, because his shoulders tenses and all but fall down.

"As I said, I had no choice. "Pepper doesn't answer, she can't, her throat feels so tight she's amazed she can still breath, but she _understands_. She looks at him, and tries to tell him that, tries to show him it's not his fault, that he did everything he could. But Stephen just looks tired and resigned, and Pepper understands that no matter what she says, he will never forgive himself for killing the man they both love more than life itself.

The front door opens, and little Morgan comes out. When she spots them, she jogs toward them as adorable as she always is, wearing her cute pink slippers. Automatically, Pepper bends down to pick up the little girl. Once she's up, she uses her little fingers to clean the tears still running down her cheeks.

"Are you ok mommy?" she asks. Pepper nods, still feeling her chest tight, and hugs her. Morgan automatically rests her head on her shoulder.

"I'm ok, baby" her voice sounds weak, even fragile in the way all voices sound after a good cry.

She kisses the top of her daughter's head and looks at Stephen. He looks dismayed, astounded and somehow way lonelier than before, fragile and brittle as if the weight of the grief had turned him down to a simple leaf, weak and so easily breakable. She knows why, Morgan looks just like Tony. Her hair, her nose, and her pretty chocolate eyes. It's all Tony. She's the living image of everything he gave his life for, she's what they gave everything for, she's the endgame, she's _their_ endgame.

_Whatever it takes_.

"Hi doctor Harry Potter" she greets with her little tiny voice, because daddy used to call him that. Stephen chocks, but still finds a way to smile. It's sad, the saddest smile Pepper has ever seen, but it's enough.

"Hello, Miss Stark. Your daddy told me all about you"


End file.
